Public Bathroom Etiquette
Over the last 10 years I've had my fair share of unforgettable public restroom experiences. It doesn't matter if it's an office building, mall, library or port-o-john... things just seem to get nasty. I mean seriously, isn't everybody's greatest fear while using a port-o-john that it's going to tip over. Have you ever seen what's in the hole they call the toilet?? Don't pretend you didn't look because you know you did. It's like if you are in a room with someone who says "Damn I just farted... that one made my eyes water". Even with the advanced warning, you still linger just long enough to gauge how bad it really is. Same principle. I know people who had such a traumatic experience that they REFUSE to ever go in one again. And why does it seem that people always try to out do the previous person by making it nastier. I can't even single out men in this case as I've heard plenty of stories of women doing the standing squat (otherwise known as high rise) over the toilet trying to aim in the hole. It's like fools try to see how high they can get pee on the walls (yes the wall).
Seeing as I can only speak from a men's perspective... why is it that men just don't wash their hands. Ok, that's not fair as some do, at least most of the time, but I've witnessed a frightening number of times where a guy finished dropping a duce, got up and walked out. No stopping at the sink, no soap, no water. But for some reason paused at the mirror in front of the sink to make sure he still looked good. I mean damn y'all. I know it my office and in most companies I've worked for the bathroom isn't that big and you can hear people walk in. You would think that one would try to tone down the toilet theatrics... nope. I've heard grunts, groans, strains and virtual yells that would make a meathead at the gym jealous. And then watched the dude get up and walk out of the stall straight past the sink to the door. I don't know about y'all, it takes me more than 30 seconds to wipe my ass. Call me crazy, meticulous, or just anal (ok bad choice of words). But still... it's like the grunts finish, they take one swipe, flush, zip, and run all in the same motion. (Note: the next two paragraphs are events in a true story. Even though it is pretty gross, I still find it funny so I had to share. Proceed with caution.)
During the summer between junior and senior year, I worked in a library. A man comes to me mid-afternoon one day and suggests that I call someone to clean up the bathroom. I told him I'd take care of it, and he walked off with a slight grin on his face, as if he was holding in uncontrollable laughter. Remember the aforementioned curiosity... yep it kicked in. I figured on the way to see the janitor I would peak and see the problem. Bad idea. It was like a horror movie, you know when it gets really quite and you can hear your own footsteps and heartbeat (yeah I was in a library but work with me people). I opened the door, hesitant, yet curious to see what was there. First glance, nothing. I walked in. All the stall doors are open, I relax and figure it was just a clogged toilet. I almost turn and leave, but something pushed me to actually look in the stalls. The horror. I still question whether it was possible for one person to do that... and live.
Let me set the scene. Two stalls, lets call them stall A and stall B. Stall A is still a mystery of biology and physics. Shit on the floor, three walls and covering the toilet. Someone's ass exploded. Stall B, shit all over the toilet, some in it, and shit on three walls as well, but not nearly as much as stall A. Using my CSI skills, there was only one explanation. Someone with the worlds worst case of the runs... I mean worst case eeeeeeeeeever recorded, rushed into the bathroom. The ran into stall A, dropped draws but couldn't contain it and started to let it go on the floor. At some point they attempted to move over the toilet but something, possible a gas bubble, caused a large explosion which left the stall decimated. Seeing this and realizing the end was nowhere in sight, the mystery person ran out of stall A and into stall B, attempting to find a clean place to sit. Unfortunately the pressure, rivaling the force of Old Faithful, could no longer be contained, bringing on explosion part two. This time only the toilet and some of the walls fell victim as our presumably high rising male was able to at least get some of it into the toilet. No attempt was made to clean up either stall. At this point I'm stuck between feeling ill and breaking in a hysterical fit of laughter so I decide to leave. As I was leaving I noticed it. The mystery man, who made no formal attempt to clean up, broke off 3 pieces of toilet paper and had the nerve to lay it on the floor trying to cover up the puddle (yes puddle). These squares cover less than half of the shit. At that point I lost it, howling enough laughter to garner numerous deal looks from other library patrons, and walked to find the guy to clean up the foolishness.
Seeing as I can only speak from a men's perspective... why is it that men just don't wash their hands. Ok, that's not fair as some do, at least most of the time, but I've witnessed a frightening number of times where a guy finished dropping a duce, got up and walked out. No stopping at the sink, no soap, no water. But for some reason paused at the mirror in front of the sink to make sure he still looked good. I mean damn y'all. I know it my office and in most companies I've worked for the bathroom isn't that big and you can hear people walk in. You would think that one would try to tone down the toilet theatrics... nope. I've heard grunts, groans, strains and virtual yells that would make a meathead at the gym jealous. And then watched the dude get up and walk out of the stall straight past the sink to the door. I don't know about y'all, it takes me more than 30 seconds to wipe my ass. Call me crazy, meticulous, or just anal (ok bad choice of words). But still... it's like the grunts finish, they take one swipe, flush, zip, and run all in the same motion. (Note: the next two paragraphs are events in a true story. Even though it is pretty gross, I still find it funny so I had to share. Proceed with caution.)
During the summer between junior and senior year, I worked in a library. A man comes to me mid-afternoon one day and suggests that I call someone to clean up the bathroom. I told him I'd take care of it, and he walked off with a slight grin on his face, as if he was holding in uncontrollable laughter. Remember the aforementioned curiosity... yep it kicked in. I figured on the way to see the janitor I would peak and see the problem. Bad idea. It was like a horror movie, you know when it gets really quite and you can hear your own footsteps and heartbeat (yeah I was in a library but work with me people). I opened the door, hesitant, yet curious to see what was there. First glance, nothing. I walked in. All the stall doors are open, I relax and figure it was just a clogged toilet. I almost turn and leave, but something pushed me to actually look in the stalls. The horror. I still question whether it was possible for one person to do that... and live.
Let me set the scene. Two stalls, lets call them stall A and stall B. Stall A is still a mystery of biology and physics. Shit on the floor, three walls and covering the toilet. Someone's ass exploded. Stall B, shit all over the toilet, some in it, and shit on three walls as well, but not nearly as much as stall A. Using my CSI skills, there was only one explanation. Someone with the worlds worst case of the runs... I mean worst case eeeeeeeeeever recorded, rushed into the bathroom. The ran into stall A, dropped draws but couldn't contain it and started to let it go on the floor. At some point they attempted to move over the toilet but something, possible a gas bubble, caused a large explosion which left the stall decimated. Seeing this and realizing the end was nowhere in sight, the mystery person ran out of stall A and into stall B, attempting to find a clean place to sit. Unfortunately the pressure, rivaling the force of Old Faithful, could no longer be contained, bringing on explosion part two. This time only the toilet and some of the walls fell victim as our presumably high rising male was able to at least get some of it into the toilet. No attempt was made to clean up either stall. At this point I'm stuck between feeling ill and breaking in a hysterical fit of laughter so I decide to leave. As I was leaving I noticed it. The mystery man, who made no formal attempt to clean up, broke off 3 pieces of toilet paper and had the nerve to lay it on the floor trying to cover up the puddle (yes puddle). These squares cover less than half of the shit. At that point I lost it, howling enough laughter to garner numerous deal looks from other library patrons, and walked to find the guy to clean up the foolishness.
posted by Prince Akeem at 10:35 AM
4 Comments:
Wow, that's crazy. I don't think I've ever heard fof someone taking a shit on two toilets at once. Damn. Anyhow, you gotta wipe for at least 30 seconds damn. As soon as there is no trace of damage on the toilet paper, thats when you wipe once more, and call it a day. Damn, didn't people's parents teach them anything??
Yeah, it was deep. Nasty, but one of the funniest things I've seen to date. Ask married women who do their husbands laundry about the state of the unmentionables. I would be willing to bet that a good number of fools are walking around with streaked britches.
That is some messed up shit (pardon the pun). What I don't understand is why this mystery man would try to do the "hover" at this point? Clearly he's already made a mess of hisself, so was he trying to avoid touching his ass to the "germs" on the toilet seat?
Skid marks? Projectiles? You came face-to-face with a genuine biohazard, my man. When other people get to wondering just how something-or-other got contaminated by e-coli, at least you know exactly how it went down... and up, and out and over...
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