Lyrics Part 2

As I am listening to internet radio at work (I found out the CD player on my computer stopped working, and I left my IPOD at home) I heard a classic Ludacris song. The last verse is just classic. Points for anybody who name the most references acurately.

Ludacris - Cut Up

I come from the 8th planet in the 19th galaxy
where the royal penis is clean your majesty
can it be, Sheila E, Appalonia, vanity all mad at me
i'm the prince dick of insanity
i'm good lovin, body rockin knockin boots all night long, we not stoppin
i don't care if the kids is watchin, i'll stir it like mutha fuckin coffee
brown suga, girls dem suga, world class lova, Karma Sutra porno music producer
tallywhacker is a rock hard storm trooper
with a purple helmet made for crushing pink cookies
goonie goo goo, we cut big foots and woogies
and fat women cuz they need love too
so go on big girl, whatchu gonna do?

Movie Review

On Saturday I decided to make it a Blockbuster night. There were plenty of movies that I wanted to see but I knew I'd be seeing some of them very soon (this weekend) for free so there was no need to pay to see them now. I ended up getting Constantine and Layer Cake. Constantine is a good movie, but not great. Entertaining and some pretty cool graphics but I felt like it was missing something. Watching the deleted scenes I discovered what it was. They erased a female love interest from the entire movie, which would have made it SO MUCH BETTER. Not that there wasn't that female love interest tension between our favorite Matrix hero and the cop, but the other love interest would have made it sooo much better. Trust me. It explains a lot. Besides, If you've seen the movie trailer, you have seen the movie.

Layer Cake is decent but wait until it comes on HBO or something. I had never heard of it, but reading the box in blockbuster it said "from the director of Snatch and Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels" which are good movies. It also promised, plot twists, gangsters, crime, and cool stuff. Well the movie delivers that to a point, but after you have seen enough of the Oceans 11 and 12, Thomas Crown, Snatch, etc. plot twist movies... it's not that difficult to figure out. In fact this movie is a combination of Oceans 11, Snatch, and Empire (which is a good movie if y'all haven't seen it). However, Layer Cake isn't as good as any one of those, it just incorporats elements of them into the movie.

I was recently informed that on a episode of CSI Warrick said, "There is nothing sadder than a young girl with a raggedy pair of draws". Priceless... no wonder that is one of my favorite shows.

Weekends

I know my posts have become sporadic (I've actually had work to do while at work) and I apologize. The cyclical nature of my job is hilarious, especially because of the position I'm in. There have been times where I honestly have worked for 30 minutes over the course of the day. Being salaried, that is a good thing. That are also weeks, like the last 2-3 where I have been working closer to 60 hour weeks, before factoring in weekends. And no I am not a consultant or I-banker.

You ever wake up on a Saturday or Sunday, realize you have a ton of stuff to do, but you just might get it done quickly and without spending a dime? That was me a couple Saturdays ago. I had that dream crushed before 9 am. I went to get my tires rotated (which is free) and then do some other things while I was out. Turns out my tire tread was so low that they wouldn't rotate them. I was planning on getting new tires and rims next year but this was a bit premature. Alas, I bit the bullet, picked some new tires and rims and waited. Three hours, an apologizing manager for not having a tire in stock and being forced to send a messenger to get it from another store, a 10 minute torrential downpour, and a bottle of water later I take my car and leave. I love my new tires, even though my credit card doesn't.

There was something else I wanted to mention but I've completely forgotten what it was. I'll check back in later. Happy belated b-day Quint.

I've rediscovered my love for the beautiful game and now I'm spending too much time watching it on TV. When I quit playing after Freshman year, I had to quit cold turkey. No watching it, playing it, talking about it, etc. It was rough. Lately I'm getting the urge to play again. In order to get my fill, I spend too many hour watching FSC (Fox Soccer Channel) which shows games non stop. Bloody brilliant.

Mythbusters

Last Friday I was told a story about a girl I know from high school. Knowing the girl, well at least how she acts now, it makes sense, but I still question the validity of it. Let me know what y'all think.

Apparently this girl, we will call her Sandy, has gotten pretty "frisky" over the past few years. She drinks a good amount now and when she does... watch out. Some time ago she was hooking up with a random guy after a late night out. Legend has it that she "went down" to do some exploration and in doing so, she triggered a substantial "eruption". If fact, this eruption was so forceful that the "contents" ended up shooting out of Sandy's nose onto the unsuspecting guys stomach. Sandy tried to explain the event by saying that she had sneezed and the timing was just a coincidence.

Now I've met people who can drink milk and squirt it out their nose, so I guess it's possible. But is it possible to do so in this case? I'm not so sure. Mythbusters, I think we have a new experiment...

He's at it again

I got the new R Kelly, TP.3, the other day. Yet another masterpiece from the self proclaimed Pied Piper. It's filled with it's usual random sexual references, ridiculous beats and of course Trapped in the Closet, parts 1-5. I know y'all have heard it. The crazy part is that there are 10 more parts of that foolishness. What else could happen. I'm just waiting for him to pee in somebody in part 12. I would then nominate it for record of the year. Anyways, song 3 on TP.3, sex in the kitchen is just ridiculous. I actually like the beat and the song, but the lyrics are...well... read for yourself. Everybody needs to hear this song just to hear how much emphasis, passion, love, pain he puts into one particular line. Of course I've highlighted it for ease of reference.

"Sex In The Kitchen"

Girl you're in the kitchen

Cooking me a meal

Something makes me wanna come in there and get a feel

Walk around in your t-shirt

Nothing else on

Strutting pass, switching that ass while I'm on the phone

Cutting up tomatoes, fruits and vegetables and potatoes

Girl, you look so sexy while you're doing the damn thang

[Chorus ]

I want

Sex in the kitchen over by the stove

Put you on the counter by the buttered rolls

Hands on the table, on your tippy toes

We'll be making love like the restaurant was closed [End Chorus]

How would you like it, baby

(How would you like that?)

Tell me right now pretty baby

Hey man, I'm gon call you back

Girl you're in the kitchen, chillin in your robe

I'm saying to myself she better go put on some clothes

Tickling and teasing

Doing that little dance

Girl, you gon make me lay you down and give it to you one mo 'gain

[Chorus 2x]

Girl I'm ready to toss your salad

While I'm making love,I'll be feasting

Girl you're in the kitchen

Sweating up a storm

The oven's on 500 So you know the kitchen's warm

Girl you know just how to get into a brother's mind

Cause here we are still in this kitchenDoing it for the third time

[Chorus (fades out)]

Mistaken Identity

Have you ever been told that you look like someone else? I think we all have at one point or another. Usually it goes something like, "Hey, did anyone ever tell you that you look like ____?" and it's typically somebody famous. If not then you probably remind that person of someone else they know. I know I've told plenty of people they look like someone else, and it's a fun game. Just the other day I took my cousin (she is 11) to the Ohio State Fair, and I saw someone who is a dead ringer for Bobby Brown (except he looked even more cracked out). I can't begin to explain how funny that was.

One day a few years back, a bunch of us were in NYC for my b-day (I think). My boy Quint happened to come face to face with his look alike. Ok, maybe they didn't run into each other but it was a close encounter. The group decided to go to this bar/lounge late night and guess who walks out as we are walking in. In order to preserve his identity I won't indicate what celebrity it was but he goes by one name and has been the love interest of many black women in several movies. He also somehow ended up on a damn mountain with Sly Stallone in a movie (you know black folks don't like cold or heights). Anyways, that was a once and a lifetime coincidence.

For some reason, the number of people I've been told I resemble is just astounding. Some I agree with (well maybe) and others I am completely bewildered by. Yeah I know you can take certain characteristics of someone and use them to describe a person who doesn't really look like them. In my case, I can't even begin to find the correlation between some of these. Part of it is because I used to experiment with different types of facial hair (goatee, trimmed beard, chin strap, combo, side burns, etc) and hair styles (short and even, bald, fade, mini afro, etc) but still that doesn't explain some of these. Here is the list of people that I've been told I resemble in no particular order:

Chris Webber, Quinton Fortune, Craig David, Harold Reynolds, DMX, Henry Simmons and Usher (if only because I am black, can dress, and know how to dance but still).

Now I can understand some of these more than others but for the most part it is still a stretch. Since I pretty much look the same as I did when I was a kid (seriously, I look like I did when I was 6, just a lot older now) people from my past recognize me all the time. The problem is, I hardly ever recognize them. Oh well, I guess it's one of those things. I'm just waiting for someone to tell me that I look like someone who is white, and I'm just going to crack up.

Oh Hell NO (part 1)

http://www.seacoastonline.com/news/08052005/news/56211.htm

I don't even want to comment on this. The whole thing is just... well... screw it. I can't think of anything to write anymore. But common now, a hacksaw???? Seriously... do y'all know what you can cut with a hacksaw?? Two weeks??? Forget it, I'm done.

Golf Outing

Yesterday I went to a charity golf event hosted by my high school and sponsored by my company. Let me tell you how fun events like that are (clearly dripping with sarcasm). First of all, I didn't really like my high school. Scratch that, I didn't like my school after the second week of first grade. I went to a private school and attended the same school from 1-12th grade. Yep, it was small, graduated with 45 students, and to this day I only talk to 4 or 5 of them on a regular basis. On a side note, don't you hate it when you run into people from the past and you didn't like each other, but its been like 5+ years so you feel obligated to talk to them. And you always have that same awkward conversation. You know the one where you act cordial and try to seem interested with what the other person is saying but you could really give a damn. And you know the other person feels the exact same way, but you can't stop it from snowballing. That has been happening entirely too much lately.

Over the last two years I have been strong armed into working with the school's alumni board on some events, but I by-in-large try to keep my distance without pissing too many people off. Regardless, I somehow end up pictured in virtually every one of the school's quarterly magazines. I've been on 4 of the last 5 and will most likely be in the next one.

Anyways, I can't hate on the school too much because I got my current job through a school connection. I played soccer and basketball with the son of the guy who owns the company. Well, now my boy's dad is one of 2 people who have donated so much money to the school that they practically run it. Hell, he along with another big wig here have positions on the school's Board of Trustees. Alas, every time there is a school event where my company is a title sponsor = damn near every one, it's just understood that I show up. Even though I didn't golf yesterday, I had to go to the post golf dinner/reception/awards/tribute ceremony. Best thing that came out of it was free dinner and drinks. However, I was also cursed to be one of the few people in the room (about 70 people were there) who knew almost everybody. From colleagues to former teachers to alumni to alumni parents, I was the link that held people together. After almost 4 hours of introductions, I took my tired ass home. Things I do when I don't have a choice. Networking sucks...

Chicken Fries

As a Black man who loves chicken, I felt it was my duty to try Burger King's ("BK") new product geared towards the Black Community - Chicken Fries. Even though BK's commercials advertising these novelties features random white people in chicken masks singing rock music (really bad rock music at that), all of us with a higher melanin content know the truth.

I ordered a 9 piece (I had to adequately test the product) for $2.69. Not a bad start. Comes with a "buffalo" style dipping sauce. Even better. I paid the cashier and went on my way. When I finally sat down to fully experience the taste, I discovered a few things. 1. The buffalo dipping sauce is actually the same sauce they use on the spicy chicken tendercrisp sandwich to make it "spicy". Sadly it tastes infinitely better on the sandwich, I would recommend BBQ sauce or your other favorite dipping flavor. 2. They are basically skinny chicken strips. The idea of the fries must be their attempt of psychological warfare on our senses. By eating the 9 "fries" BK is expecting you to believe that your as full as if you ate 4 chicken strips. Nope, not the case. I really wish I got a combo as I was still hungry.

Verdict - Chicken fries are good, sauce is ok. Not bad for a quick snack. Nevertheless, I still say the food at my previous place of employment, McDowell's, is much better.

Random Musings

Friday was a quite unproductive day at work. You ever have one of those days where you know you’ve got stuff to do, but no motivation? Yep, that’s been me for about 6 months. My motivation seems to wane 30 minutes after I wake up and by the time I get to work, I’m useless. However there is one good thing about my office. It seems to be a cross between Office Space and The Young and the Restless. There are people that fit each character to a T.

There are two guys however that should star in Grumpy Old Men 3: Corporate America. The first guy is named Billy Bob. Dude is the embodiment grumpy. It’s like he has reverse PMS, he is pissed about 24-27 days a month. However I ran into him an about a week ago and Billy Bob was in a good mood. In fact he was in such a good mood that he made a joke about the myth (well the fact). You know the one “Once you go black you don’t go back”. Seeing a mid 50’s, normally cranky, extra white white guy say that just about made my week. Funny enough, he seems to have an apprentice. Let’s call him Scooter Jenkins. This fool is about 10 years younger, not quite as bald and just as bitter. Absolutely priceless, let me tell you.

Didn’t go out last night, but did see a movie with friends. On the way home I drove by all the drunk people letting out of Brothers, GasWerks and Spice Bar, just to see what was going on. Wow, drunk people act really stupid. I sure hope I don’t look that bad when I’m off the sauce.

Night Life Part 1

Nightlife in C-town is interesting. There are plenty of random hole-in-the-wall bars, a few nice bars/lounges, and a handful of dance clubs. Ok, there are more than a handful, but the others have "issues". For some reason, fools here think they are THUGGIN. For the most part, by attending a "black" club you have a relatively high likelihood of getting mugged, shot, and or stabbed. No joke. As a black man I won't even go to them. I can't even begin to tell you the number of clubs shut down due to violence (only to be re-opened later). One infamous club is the Red Zone. That place has been shut down and re-opened at least 4 times. Now you get frisked (typical club protocol) when you enter and you get the airport style metal detector wanding. You know when/if you set off the metal detector they wand (probe) and perform a virtual cavity search on you. Yep that one. Who knew Ohio was trying to be hard?

Anyways, there are 5 main (mixed) clubs that people go to: Carlisle Club, Lodge Bar, Brothers, GasWerks, and recently opened Spice Bar. All these places are located within a 3 block radius of one another and Brothers, GasWerks and Spice Bar are connected. Spice Bar has a "South Beach" atmosphere and it's a nicer place (more upscale but not uppity) than the others. However, recently I discovered something quite disturbing. You can wear flip flops to Spice Bar but not white tennis shoes (I'm from Ohio so it's tennis shoes, not sneakers). I was appalled. First of all, there isn't really a dress code, but it's preferred that you look nice/trendy etc. Secondly, there is no cover. A few weeks ago, I went there to meet some friends. Typically I dress nice/trendy (so I'm usually overdressed for Ohio standards), but this time I was in nice khaki shorts, a nice polo shirt and my white and red Adidas. Even though I was casual, I was still the nicest dressed person in line at the moment. I get to the front and the i.d. checker (do you have to be a natural born hater to get that position?) says he can't let me in with white tennis shoes. Ok, I'm fine with that, and if it was my club I wouldn't have let me in either. HOWEVER, the fool in front of me had dirty jeans (no they weren't designer, they were just old and not washed), a wrinkled shirt and flip flops. Just crusty, ashy (and he was white... that's hard to do) feet and was able to walk right in. Of course I pointed it out and even pointed down at dudes feet like "Look!" The door man shrugged and let him in. Ultimately I got in but it took a good 15 minutes, the group of boys already inside threatening to leave and this. As recently as last week, the same thing happened. It was my boys this time (and we didn't get in). Women can wear flip flops all they want. Men, if they are nice, designer, and work with the outfit. But don't let people in with random athletic sandals and then hate on nice tennis shoes. The place isn't that hot.

Public Bathroom Etiquette

Over the last 10 years I've had my fair share of unforgettable public restroom experiences. It doesn't matter if it's an office building, mall, library or port-o-john... things just seem to get nasty. I mean seriously, isn't everybody's greatest fear while using a port-o-john that it's going to tip over. Have you ever seen what's in the hole they call the toilet?? Don't pretend you didn't look because you know you did. It's like if you are in a room with someone who says "Damn I just farted... that one made my eyes water". Even with the advanced warning, you still linger just long enough to gauge how bad it really is. Same principle. I know people who had such a traumatic experience that they REFUSE to ever go in one again. And why does it seem that people always try to out do the previous person by making it nastier. I can't even single out men in this case as I've heard plenty of stories of women doing the standing squat (otherwise known as high rise) over the toilet trying to aim in the hole. It's like fools try to see how high they can get pee on the walls (yes the wall).

Seeing as I can only speak from a men's perspective... why is it that men just don't wash their hands. Ok, that's not fair as some do, at least most of the time, but I've witnessed a frightening number of times where a guy finished dropping a duce, got up and walked out. No stopping at the sink, no soap, no water. But for some reason paused at the mirror in front of the sink to make sure he still looked good. I mean damn y'all. I know it my office and in most companies I've worked for the bathroom isn't that big and you can hear people walk in. You would think that one would try to tone down the toilet theatrics... nope. I've heard grunts, groans, strains and virtual yells that would make a meathead at the gym jealous. And then watched the dude get up and walk out of the stall straight past the sink to the door. I don't know about y'all, it takes me more than 30 seconds to wipe my ass. Call me crazy, meticulous, or just anal (ok bad choice of words). But still... it's like the grunts finish, they take one swipe, flush, zip, and run all in the same motion. (Note: the next two paragraphs are events in a true story. Even though it is pretty gross, I still find it funny so I had to share. Proceed with caution.)

During the summer between junior and senior year, I worked in a library. A man comes to me mid-afternoon one day and suggests that I call someone to clean up the bathroom. I told him I'd take care of it, and he walked off with a slight grin on his face, as if he was holding in uncontrollable laughter. Remember the aforementioned curiosity... yep it kicked in. I figured on the way to see the janitor I would peak and see the problem. Bad idea. It was like a horror movie, you know when it gets really quite and you can hear your own footsteps and heartbeat (yeah I was in a library but work with me people). I opened the door, hesitant, yet curious to see what was there. First glance, nothing. I walked in. All the stall doors are open, I relax and figure it was just a clogged toilet. I almost turn and leave, but something pushed me to actually look in the stalls. The horror. I still question whether it was possible for one person to do that... and live.

Let me set the scene. Two stalls, lets call them stall A and stall B. Stall A is still a mystery of biology and physics. Shit on the floor, three walls and covering the toilet. Someone's ass exploded. Stall B, shit all over the toilet, some in it, and shit on three walls as well, but not nearly as much as stall A. Using my CSI skills, there was only one explanation. Someone with the worlds worst case of the runs... I mean worst case eeeeeeeeeever recorded, rushed into the bathroom. The ran into stall A, dropped draws but couldn't contain it and started to let it go on the floor. At some point they attempted to move over the toilet but something, possible a gas bubble, caused a large explosion which left the stall decimated. Seeing this and realizing the end was nowhere in sight, the mystery person ran out of stall A and into stall B, attempting to find a clean place to sit. Unfortunately the pressure, rivaling the force of Old Faithful, could no longer be contained, bringing on explosion part two. This time only the toilet and some of the walls fell victim as our presumably high rising male was able to at least get some of it into the toilet. No attempt was made to clean up either stall. At this point I'm stuck between feeling ill and breaking in a hysterical fit of laughter so I decide to leave. As I was leaving I noticed it. The mystery man, who made no formal attempt to clean up, broke off 3 pieces of toilet paper and had the nerve to lay it on the floor trying to cover up the puddle (yes puddle). These squares cover less than half of the shit. At that point I lost it, howling enough laughter to garner numerous deal looks from other library patrons, and walked to find the guy to clean up the foolishness.

Damn Power Company

This is my second attempt at writing tonight as my previous post concerning the night life (or lack thereof) in Columbus ("C-town") was rudely cut short by a power outage (I will return to that topic later in the week). Once again a huge power surge hit a good chunk of my neighborhood. See, where I live, the power grid is 30+ years old and wasn't built to handle the number of homes here. Well, once a month or so we get a short outage. About every quarter we get one that lasts a few hours. And then there was last winter. An ice storm basically put Ohio under a 2 inch sheet of ice. You aint lived until you've seen EVERYTHING outside covered in a sheet of ice. Needless to say, I didn't have power in my house for 5 days. Talk about the dark ages.

The first 3 were ok, but the last 2 were just annoying. Especially since in the winter it gets dark around 4:30 and it's pitch black by 5:30. I had to go to the office to shower and shave. Staying at home was useless since I was usually spending 4 hours per night in the dark. If we didn't have an insert for the fireplace (where we burned the equivalent of 3 trees) we would have froze. Hotels were full and charging a premium. There was a run on food at the supermarket. Fools basically cleaned out Home Depot and Lowe’s. Seriously... you could walk in there and shelves were empty. It was weird. Over 200,000 homes in Columbus were out for the better part of 3 days. My lovely neighborhood got fucked for 5 though. Sigh...

I know I know, that was boring. Here is something interesting. Have y'all seen Being Bobby Brown? That shit is the greatest/worst show of all time. This definitely gets it's own post. In fact, that will be my next post. Either that or my insane experience going out last weekend. Stay tuned.

Intro

It is time to start my own blog since I often witness highly ignorant events that need to be shared with the world.

During my senior year of college, the Quote Wall was born. It began as a way to forever harness the OUTLANDISH comments, thoughts and random musings of three roommates. It grew into a literary masterpiece rivaling the greatest words of Robert Frost...err better yet Muhammad Ali, and crack headed antics of Richard Pryor. (by the way, I met someone recently who didn't know who Richard Pryor was!!!) As the year continued the Wall grew in size and in legend. Starting as a single piece of computer paper, it grew exponentially into a 26 page masterpiece. By page 5, friends and complete strangers (who heard myths of the Wall but never actually gazed upon its beauty) began to intentionally say things, hoping it was deemed Wall worthy. A chance at infamy. Immortality. Who wouldn't jump at the opportunity? Therefore strict guidelines were subsequently created, a 10 commandments of the Quote Wall if you will. This collective work is currently residing somewhere in Brooklyn with Atlas, who for all intents and purposes fell off the damn earth! But there, it is safe, as it's words and signatures (you HAD to put your name by everything said... take ownership damnit) have the distinct ability to ruin several political careers. Ahh... the memories.

As I am currently sentenced to living in purgatory a.k.a Columbus, Ohio, I need to an outlet for ignorance and foolishness. I know things wont get as ridiculous as the aforementioned Quote Wall, but hopefully fools find this funny, entertaining, and not too offensive. Remember, if anything I say offends you... deal with it. Shit was probably REAL funny to everyone else. Laugh and move on...